The purpose of this web page is to protect my reputation by fulfilling a promise made during negotiations to end what I perceived as an irrational and unnecessary lawsuit. The purpose of this web site (and accompanying book to help recoup legal expenses) is not to diminish or undermine the proper use of important laws on the prevention of domestic violence. If you are an abusive man reading this, please get help by contacting a social worker of some sort, or through inexpensive self-help organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous or the Mankind Project. There are better, more honorable and richer things ahead of you than your current condition.

This history of stalking laws in the United States is a sad one, marked in blood. History shows that too many men are violent and unjust, and that women are disproportionately the victims of that violence, both at the hands of their male partners and the indifference of the male-dominated justice system. The justice system may also be gamed, however, and class disparities in access to legal representation are a major issue. I am keenly aware that my position – as a working-class male with no history of violence, sued by a white, middle-class woman with psychological issues – is a minority one. I am also keenly aware that, were I not as advantaged as I am, things could have gone much worse for me. There are exponentially more murders like Rebecca Schaffer’s than Emmett Till’s, but each one is too many.

It is my judgment that an occasional postal letter to a former friend is not anything that a reasonable person would consider a death threat, and that there are women who cement their social position by gaining the sympathy and “protection” of others. It is also my judgment that not every social and individual psychological problem has a legal solution. After years of silent shame at having been falsely accused of wanting to hurt a former lover, I was astonished when I began to speak and found that women laughed at my naive belief that a woman would not lie or exhibit neurotic behaviors about something so important. Generally speaking, women understand the depth, subtlety and cruelty of other women better than men do. I wish I had sought their counsel earlier and sooner than I did.

If you have been accused of stalking, I strongly encourage you to seek psychological help and the counsel of wise friends of both genders. One is not obligated do everything a woman asks simply because you are a man and she is a woman, but there are clear boundaries defined by the law and common courtesy, which must be honored. This is trebly true if there is any history of physical violence, however slight. Having spent most of my life around martial arts and having worked with beginning, female combat athletes, I assure you that women bruise more easily than men, generally have more intense fear reactions, and are psychologically conditioned not to resist in “masculine” ways. There are more deaf men than mute women, in my experience, and the moral obligation of the physically, financially or socially stronger partner is to recognize that and strive for understanding and a just harmony.

Stalking laws vary from state to state and country to country. This problem is exacerbated by the casual and imprecise use of the term in casual conversation and the general media. Stalking originally refers to the stealthful pursuit of game in hunting, for the purpose of killing and eating the subject: a hunter may stalk a deer to get venison. Legally, stalking refers to unwanted behaviors that might otherwise be lawful, such as

• Waiting outside a person’s home, workplace, or other location
• Following a person or intentionally appearing within their presence
• Unwanted electronic contact, such as telephone calls or email
• Delivery of unwanted “gifts” or packages

Absent a history which would make a reasonable person fearful for their personal safety, these behaviors may be obnoxious, but are not stalking.

If you feel you are being stalked, it is important to address this behavior early

• Clearly convey by registered letter that you wish no further contact
• Consider having a lawyer draft and send a formal “no-contact letter” advising counsel to your opponent
• Begin documenting unwanted contact and behavior with specific place/date/time detail
• Reach out for social support from friends, church or social services
• Contact the police or court system, especially if there is a history of violence

If you have been accused of stalking, formally or informally, I suggest

• Immediately minimizing contact with the accuser or alleged victim
• Seek social support such as from a clergy member, therapist or social worker
• Begin documenting ALL contact with the alleged victim for future reference
• Keep verifiable records of your actions, such as receipts and phone bills
• Contact a lawyer to have in reserve against any potential legal action
• Make a fearless moral inventory of your life, to become a better person
• Avoid this person as much as possible for the next several years

My own experience is that, for some self-identified victims, fears tend to magnify and increase over time. Most people will mellow as their anxieties decrease over time, but others do just the opposite, and an increasingly irrational fear can quickly become impossible to address. It is not your job to help a crazy person, just because you may have once loved one.

I repeat: It is not your job to help a crazy person, just because you may have once loved them.

Below are some general links to help in understanding and addressing issues related to alleged stalking

Wikipedia article on Stalking
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking

Oregon Anti-Stalking Law ORS 163.732
http://www.leg.state.or.us/ors/163.html

Washington Anti-Stalking Law ARCW 9A.46.110
http://apps.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=9A.46.110

New York Times 14feb09 “Though Many Are Stalked, Few Report It” by Elizabeth Olson
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/15/us/15stalk.html

Stalking Resource Center at the National Center for Victims of Crime
http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_Register204

Stalking Questions and Answers from the National Center for Victims of Crime
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32456

Stalking Safety Plan Guidelines from the National Center for Victims of Crime
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32460

Stalking and the Law, from the National Center for Victims of Crime
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32514

Stalking: Lessons from Recent Research from National Institute of Justice
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/speeches/stalk.htm

Criminal Stalking Laws by State
http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_State-byState_Statutes117