Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 21:30:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Rory Bowman” <rbowman@reed.edu>
Reply-To: bowman@pobox.com
To: Catherine Lynne Carter <ccarter@reed.edu>
Cc: Marti Dell <mdell@hevanet.com>
Subject: FYI 1: Marti to Rory Re Kate (fwd)

I don’t know what your state of mind is or what you have told Marti, but in the interest of transparency, following are the messages she and I exchanged recently. She has graciously agreed to meet with me for coffee this Sunday.  – Rory

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 12:35:12 -0700
From: Marti Dell <mdell@hevanet.com>
To: “R. Rory Bowman” <rbowman@reed.edu>
Subject: Kate

Hi Rory,

Marti here (yes, Kate forwarded your email addresss to me).  First of all, I wanted to thank you for thinking of me a couple weeks ago about the tickets. Sorry I wasn’t home.  I’m sure it must have been (at least somewhat) awkward for you to call me.  I want you to know that although I am a close friend of Kate’s, I certainly don’t harbor any ill feelings towards you.  I always make my own decisions about people. So far, I still think of you as a nice and decent person, even if you may have a few emotional problems regarding Kate.  We all have our relationship issues that we need to deal with, me included.

However, I am primarily writing because of Kate.  She called me Sunday night, very upset, because you had sent her an email stating that you plan on calling her sometime this week.  I hope you aren’t offended, but I recommended that she forward your email to me, and I volunteered to write you back.  My recommendation to you is…don’t call her.

I will quote your email message here:

> “Well, I’ve been waiting months for you to write, with no good result.
> I shall probably phone sometime this week, probably in the evening. If I’m
> a good boy, the first call shall come Tuesday evening (when I assume
> you’ll be at knitting), but I’d like to talk fairly soon.

> I’ve been good, to no apparent benefit.
> Time, I think, to learn why.”

I will be very honest and admit that I certainly do not know what the content of all of your conversations have been with Kate, and so I do not know if you feel she promised to talk to you at a certain point, and do not want to make any judgments there.  However, I also know that Kate is definately not ready to talk to you.  I strongly recommend that you do not call her this week, or contact her at all for many weeks to come.

I also don’t understand what your email means, and Kate seemed somewhat confused by it also.  How do you feel that you have “been good, to no apparent benefit”?  What apparant benefit did you expect to receive? What have you been waiting for Kate to write to you about?

I can certainly understand your frustration if you feel that there are issues you need closure on, and that you may not have gotten that closure.  I have certainly had that happen in my life, and recently too.  However, you also won’t get closure (or any answers at all) if you push too hard.

Rightly or wrongly, Kate is not comfortable talking to you at this time. She needs to be in a better emotional space before she will be able to talk to you comfortably.  This is not something you can push about, and the more you try to push it, the less comfortable she is going to be about talking to you.

If it would help at all, I would be glad to talk to you about anything I may know or understand, but again, I strongly recommend that you do not contact Kate.

Give her a break, Rory.  And if you think that you already have, then give her a bigger (and longer) break.  As I am sure you are aware, she is working full time and trying to finish up her language requirements. Working full time and going to school is very demanding, so just leave her alone…at least until after she has completed school next May.

I understand that it may be difficult, but supposedly you still care somewhat about her.  If you do, then give her this space.

If you don’t care about her, and are just trying to harass her, then definately back off.  Although currently I think you are a fine and nice person, I am very protective of my friends, especially Kate.  She is like a younger sister to me.  If I think you are just trying to deliberately harass her, to get back at her because of some imagined (or real) wrong you feel she did you, then you will no longer find me to be quite as pleasant as I am being currently.  Right now, I am trying to appeal to your good nature.  I hope it is that part of you that is trying to contact her, and which will now give her the additional space and time she needs.

Please feel free to contact me, either at work or home, if you feel that there is any way I can help.  But yet again, I ask that you do not call her, quit emailing her, and just basically leave her alone and forget she exists, until at least next May. My work number is 241-2885 and home is 788-9219.

Thank you for your time.  I hope you are doing well.

Marti

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1998 15:26:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: “R. Rory Bowman” <rbowman@reed.edu>
Reply-To: bowman@pobox.com
To: Marti Dell <mdell@hevanet.com>
Subject: Re: Kate

I would very much like to talk to you (or someone else with any insight as to where Kate is emotionally) if that would be okay. I’m a bit busy this week, but can adapt to your schedule. Please let me know what kind of times would be good for coffee or something. An hour or two in a public place would be ideal.

I have an Apple demonstration I am doing Sunday until 6 pm, then I wanted to go get a flu shot before 7. Would sometime shortly after 7 work for you Sunday evening?

Thanks for your help. Please give my love to Kate. – Rory